Things I've Learned from my Garden!

1.  Anything can grow with a little love and care. Now, mind you, my garden has been a bit neglected, but it is still going. I need to make sure my days off also include a little garden tending. And this is not only true with plants, but also with your friends and family.  I need to make time to enjoy the beauty of life and nurture the things that are important and not spend all day on the computer. My garden will grow with a little love and care!

2. Expect some seeds to dazzle and some to fizzle. I made the mistake of being meticulous about spacing my seeds the required distance apart and have now only realized that less than 50% actually grew! So now my garden is just wimpy looking. I should have dropped a lot of seeds in a row, regardless of spacing, and thin out the duds. This is true in life also! You may make many friends but only a few will actually grow and give you a blessing. You need to thin out the duds out there. But, at the same time, you have to open yourself to meet many to find the few that are true gems!

3. Hard work brings out the best results. I have not worked as hard on my garden as I should. While mother nature is doing her thing, I need to step up and help out! Sometimes just planting the seeds are not enough. You have to give yourself the time to do what needs done. And, in life, a dream is nothing until you wake up! You need to work to make your dreams happen. You can plant the idea in your head, but if you don't work it, feed it, nurture it and care for it, it will not grow!

So, it's time to weed the garden and resow some seeds! Both in my garden and in my life!

What's the Funk?

I have been in a funk for a few days now, actually about a week or more.  Not sure what exactly is bothering me, but something has me feeling out of sorts.

I have been having emotional outbursts that mainly consist of crying and feeling useless. I have been feeling like I have no purpose in life. I have been feeling like a hermit. I sleep, stay home, go to work, repeat.  I miss being a social person with a big circle of friends to go do things with or have over. I sometimes feel like all I do is exist and I want more!

So, what is the problem? I'm not sure if it's part of going into the dreaded "Change" or if I am starting to feel like this empty nest thing is not for me! Maybe I am just too stuck in the past to realize that my life is not over! I hope that I am only halfway through my life and that means I still have time to be and do better!

Now, I am not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me.  Like I stated in my first post, words are my escape. I write to help myself and put it all in perspective. Plus, I just wonder if others have gone through these feelings and wonder if there is anything I can say or do to help myself or others feeling the same way. So, this is my attempt to help myself and maybe someone else.

• I don't want to just exist. I want to do something, be someone, and leave a little something behind when I am gone. How do I do that? Maybe my hobby of crocheting will leave a little something my kids may want one day. Although it may not be perfect, it is done by my own hand and probably even has some of my hairs entwined with the yarn since I am constantly shedding (hehe). Maybe my words here will live on after I am gone. Maybe one day I will finish the book I've started. Maybe just my love and kindness to others will be my legacy. I could think of worse legacies! But, I feel like I should leave more. Everybody wants to be remembered but not all of us can be great. If everybody was great, what would great mean?

• Next up, a circle of friends. I realized I had a very inactive social life when my computer was acting up. I couldn't help but feel absolutely pathetic when I realized that most of my social life is on the computer! I was so upset that I couldn't get online and just started to bawl when I realized that without internet, I have few friends! How sad is that! Social media has made many of us antisocial. I remember when I was younger I always had friends I could count on to do something and not sit at home! I work in a convenience store and think that some of the people coming in would be fun to get to know and hang out with, until I realize that a lot of them spend their time in the bar. That is not my scene anymore. I don't drink, I don't party and I would have nothing in common with the majority of the customers. So, now what? Maybe I will see about getting on the festival board or find another group that I can join. That would also help in leaving something behind. I need to find a way to become part of a community and would recommend others do that too! What better way to become more social than to join a community group or volunteer somewhere! So, that is a new goal for me.

• Now, about those crying jags! I need to accept that it is okay to be sad sometimes. It is okay to let those emotions out. God gave us emotions and sometimes releasing them is the best way to rid yourself of stress. I have to accept that I am a very soft-hearted person and with that comes the need to cry. If I didn't feel the need to cry once in awhile, I would be not much more than a robot. It's Okay to feel so much that your body cannot hold it all in; release it! To be a woman means to be strong enough to cry! I just need to remember to be strong enough to move on and not spiral down. That is getting harder as I get older.

So, I need to get involved, get motivated, get busy and keep on keeping on! That is my challenge to myself. I just need to do something more so that I don't just exist! That will be a step in the right direction to feel better and hopefully get out of the Funk!

So, I've Started a Blog. Now What?

Most of my life, words have been my best friend. Whether it was in books I have read or entries I have made in my journals. Pen and paper were always there for me when I needed to vent, analyze or just plain escape. Often times I felt more at home writing than confiding in another person. I could write whatever I wanted and could easily rip it up and throw it away so as not to cause anybody any pain. It would allow me to release my feelings without hurting others.

Many times I have fallen back on the written word to help me solve a problem or just get the uglies out of my head. I have always tried to put up a strong front and keep my deepest emotions to myself. But it gets harder to do that! When you have a lot of pent up feelings of anger, sadness, inadequacy, regret and pain, it tends to become like molten lava waiting for the eruption. When that eruption occurs, so much horror and chaos will surely follow! That is why I need to write it out! That is my release. That is how I cope. That is why very few know my deepest weaknesses.

I show love and kindness to most everybody I meet. I have even been accused of being a doormat because I rarely stand up for myself. I rarely spout off words of hate directed to anybody, even those that have hurt me deeply and made me feel inferior and little. What they don't know is that I have a secret! I may not show hate in person, but if you would have read some of the words I have written and destroyed, boy would you be surprised! But I choose to be kind and considerate to the general public because there is already enough hate in this world. I do not wish to add to it.

So, about this blog thing. Some days I will post my own personal musings of life in general. Some days I will talk about events in my life. Some days I will talk of my hobbies. And some days I will review books that have kept me company. This blog will be my escape and you are all invited to join me!

Some go to counselors or therapists to help them cope. I choose words for my own personal use. It is my cheap form of therapy. And I highly recommend my therapist! Words will never disappear, let you down or charge you money to talk it out! No insurance necessary :)